5 Reasons Why the Holidays Make You Sad (and what you can do about it!)

It’s mid-November. The days are getting crisper and darker. Visits with family are waiting around the corner and despite the glimmering lights, special foods, and decorations there is a lingering sense of dread and despair. Why are the holidays so triggering for so many? I see it time and time again in my practice. Instead of feeling joyful, excited, or cozy the holiday season warps into a season of overwhelm and stress. Rather than accepting your fate and powering through, what if there was room to explore the ‘why?’ and find a new way to approach things?

1. The Passage of Time:

The holidays might shine a spotlight on ongoing issues that you have been working through for a long time. There is a feeling that the year has passed and a new year is on its way. As one song goes ‘So this is Christmas and what have we done? Another year older and a new one’s just begun.” The passage of time can be upsetting for many as it is normal to take stock and make meaning of the past during the few months leading into the new year. Even the environment around us changes. The leaves fall, the trees stop putting out new growth, many flowers stop blooming and the days are darker.

This grand pause cues us to look inward and reflect. We don’t always like what we see and this time of year might be when you notice that. One way to take back control of this process is to allow room for it. Remind yourself that these feelings are normal and may actually help you understand your priorities and goals. Take some time to journal about what you spent your energy on this past year and then journal about what you would like to spend energy on moving forward. Notice anything that gets left behind, stays the same, or gets added in. This can be a helpful guide for future plans.

2. Expectations and Roles:

During the holiday season there are a number of yearly obligations that crop up: family visits, traditions, annual parties. These can be painful reminders of things that you wish were different. It might be dread for another year of putting up with cruel jokes at your expense, another year of pretending that things are ok to save face, another year of letting someone down, or another year of trying so hard when it’s never enough. Whatever dynamics your family has are all on display during this time of year whether that be in their presence or absence from your lives.

This can be particularly challenging for women. Women and girls are often cast in the role of helping, assisting, and creating around this time of year. Looking at the gender roles in our lives can be extremely angering and destabilizing. Sometimes it feels like too much to take on or change. If not you, then who will do it? Yet, the resentment takes root. Why should you work when others rest? You are so tired too. Why should you care when others don’t? You need care and thoughtfulness too. Why do you have to be the one to plan it all and make it happen? You need help too.

Some women experience a lot of anger, loneliness, and frustration during this time of year. You might be stuck holding the bag for it all and you can’t find a way to shake out of that role. Maybe you are the one expected to absorb all the negativity without ever reacting and this too feels unsustainable. Taking stock of this is normal, but painful and uncomfortable. To combat this, try to notice these dynamics and instead of pushing the thoughts away, brainstorm some ways you wish things were different. This can give you insight into what your needs are and possible changes that could be made. Maybe there’s some room for boundaries and being intentional about your own time and energy. Talking to a therapist about your family dynamics can be a wonderful opportunity to brainstorm together where change might be possible.

3. Grief:

Holidays are a rough time for those that are grieving. There may be people that are missing from your life that used to make the holidays special. There is no sadder feeling than missing someone and knowing they can’t ever come back. The rituals of holidays often come with heirlooms that stir memories. These feelings can be overwhelming and suck the joy right out of the present. Grief can also take the form of missing relationships that you wish were closer. This is particularly true for immigrants and children of immigrants that might not have the ability to be together during the holidays. This time of year can be particularly isolating as the rest of the country seems to celebrate on and you might not see representation of your own family’s traditions. You might find yourself not only alone as a family or individual, but also alone in your celebration. This time of year can bring up painful feelings of isolation, reflection on your identity, and longing.

In any case, it is helpful to recognize your grief in advance and allow room for it. By avoiding our pain, sadness, and loneliness we only give it more power over us. Imagine having scraped your knee: would you just keep on going and let that bleed all over your clothes, walk right into work bleeding, and pretend to everyone that you are ok? You know it’s better to clean it up, treat it, protect it with a bandaid, and take care of that wound as it heals over time. You don’t need to carry the pain alone. Sharing your feelings with loved ones is a vital step in your healing. You are allowed to experience sadness during the most wonderful time of the year. Lastly, try to think of ways to engage with what you are missing. Grief might always be one of your holiday guests, but at least you can find a way to entertain her. Listen to music, look at photos, make old recipes, and let yourself feel. Like all guests, she will eventually leave you and hopefully feeling loved and attended to.

4. Financial Stress:

With the holidays comes the season of giving. Year after year, there is a desire to provide something for others. Many people try to take on the weight of the world during the holidays. You might try to absorb the pain and difficulties of the year and patch things up with parties, gifts, decorations, and vacations. You might also put off and sacrifice necessary things for your own life in order to provide an experience for your loved ones. Thoughts such as: you are going to save the day with a well-timed present/party, everyone will forget the stress they are going through if I can get them to play this game, if you don’t plan a counter party to your mother-in-laws party, then you’ll never get to have the holidays on your terms, and so on. Although all the effort typically comes from a place of good and trying to make positive change, it can be all too easy to get carried away only to find yourself feeling empty and drained by the end.

‘Tis the season of giving, not of draining. Giving and draining are two different things. Before taking on holiday commitments, try to set a realistic budget for both your time and money. Think of your life like a pie chart and cut a slice for the holidays. You get to decide how big that slice is. I am not saying change who you are and what you care about. For some people the holidays are what they live for. However, don’t make the mistake of giving the whole pie. Also be selective in whom you give it to. Save the most for the ones that matter most. You have got to keep yourself sane as well and the best gift you can give your loved ones is the gift of being present and joyful in their lives. Ask yourself before you make a commitment: Why am I doing this? Am I trying to change something I can’t change? Do I feel like I have to do this to be enough?

When you do less of what you think you ought to be doing, you leave room to actually experience what is really happening.

5. Body Image:

For many people who struggle with disordered eating, body image, or G.I and allergy related health issues, holiday meals bring up a lot of stress. There is a lack of control that can be worrisome. There is also the possibility of gathering with loved ones that might not understand your eating habits and criticize or make comments about your body or diet. For example: grandpa can’t understand why you won’t eat meat or peanuts, your auntie thinks if you did weight watchers you might finally find a boyfriend, your mom thinks that your son ended up with ADHD because you ate too much ice cream when you were pregnant, your uncle keeps trying to sneak food you don’t eat into your food and see if you end up liking it, and so on.

This stress is amplified in women and immigrant families where culturally there is less of a boundary with relatives and making comments. For many Latina women, holiday meals are comically centered around a barrage of comments regarding our weight, skin, hair, and relationship status. This is also something that many women experience regardless of their heritage and is very frustrating and disheartening. The things people feel entitled to do or say to you when you are a woman are truly limitless and for many the holidays are a free for all that leave you feeling exhausted from the questioning, criticism, and judgment.

Holiday events can feel like an opportunity for everyone to look at your body and year after year judge your progress. Is she pretty? Did she gain or lose weight? Did she dress up or not? Is she aging poorly? It can be hard to tell if these thoughts are coming from the outside or inside at a certain point. It’s all too easy to internalize it and leave feeling sad, unworthy, and insecure. Even when boundaries are in place, a single comment can live on in your mind and come up seasonally. You might find yourself at 50 still struggling to have eggnog because of all the times someone scolded you for wanting it. Worst of all, we can find ourselves comparing ourselves to others. All of this is so unhealthy and takes up precious time and energy.

To combat this, try to plan for food you enjoy and stay present with the joy of experiencing it. Try to be intentional about your clothing and ask yourself most importantly “Does this make me feel good?” Everyone deserves to feel special and beautiful during holiday events. It’s important to be your own source of validation. If family feedback falls short, remember, you have the power to define your own worth. You can speak up to family members and ask them to stop, try to set boundaries, but sometimes they don’t change and it’s ok to tune it out. What’s more important than what others think of you is how you feel about yourself. Most of all try to look for those that are supportive of you and kind and spend the most time with those people. If you find yourself being the one that is comparing and noticing other people’s appearances, try to take a step back and notice that those thoughts are coming from you. What might you want to think about at holidays instead? We give power to what we focus on.

What makes the holidays so emotionally intense is that the time is limited and we get this sense that when they are gone they won’t come back. We feel obligated to spend the time wisely and to make the best of it. With a little intention and reflection you can make new choices and shift things. There is absolutely hope for happier holidays. If anything in this article resonated with you, consider it a sign. Taking that next step and reaching out to a therapist could be the beginning of a transformative journey towards happier, more fulfilling holidays. Embrace the opportunity to explore these feelings, reshape your narrative, and redefine what the holidays mean to you.

You're not alone in this, and the path to brighter, more fulfilling holidays starts with acknowledging your needs.

Wishing you a season filled with self-discovery, joy, and the warmth of genuine connection.

Warmly,

Daniela

{This article is not intended to diagnose or provide medical advice, but merely to educate and inform about different mental health concerns and therapy.}