Nurturing Your Inner Child: Practical Tips for Infusing Self-Compassion into Daily Living
LOVE DOES THAT
by Meister Eckhart
All day long a little burro labors, sometimes
with heavy loads on her back and sometimes just with worries
about things that bother only
burros.
And worries, as we know, can be more exhausting
than physical labor.
Once in a while a kind monk comes
to her stable and brings
a pear, but more
than that,
he looks into the burro’s eyes and touches her ears
and for a few seconds the burro is free
and even seems to laugh,
because love does
that.
Love frees.
As women, we are often burdened with many heavy loads. Expectations, roles, stereotypes, and obligations can be difficult to navigate as we emerge into adulthood and beyond. Imagine these things as your load, like the sweet burrito in the poem. We are each just one person, after all. Each new year of life brings more weight to the load. Many of us started life with heavy loads already.
In the poem, a kind monk comes to care for the animal, and this act of remembering and love is enough to liberate the animal from the weight of its worries and work. This connection with another person is transcendent. To be truly loved is one of the most precious experiences in the world. However, we cannot always rely on others to provide this for us. All too often, the ones from whom we seek recognition are the last to provide it.
This is the case for far too many women that I know and have worked with. As women, it is doubly important to recognize and love ourselves because the world we live in does not give us the recognition and appreciation we often deserve. So much of our work is expected of us, as if maintaining those standards is the bare minimum. I am here to tell you that this mindset will not lead to happiness and growth. In order to grow, we must begin to understand ourselves within our environment. We must open our eyes to the roles we play for others, recognize the value of our time, and give ourselves the essential love we are often deprived of. We must take the time to pause and appreciate our inner burrito that has been quietly carrying the weight of our lives since we were born. It is our responsibility as adults to give ourselves the love and recognition we so desperately long for from others.
That being said, it is not enough to consider yourself every so often or only when you are feeling low. Self-compassion is not a magic pill that fixes things in one attempt. It is a mindset that requires daily attention. Follow along for practical tips to incorporate a mindset of self-compassion into your daily routine.
Mirror, Mirror
Look yourself in the eyes next time you find yourself in front of a mirror. Try saying an affirmation out loud. This could range anywhere from neutral to positive: “I am okay,” “I love myself,” “I like myself,” “I am beautiful,” or any other creative variation. The goal here is to provide yourself with a statement that increases your sense of personal power and induces a feeling of peace. Practice this every time you wash your hands for a week and see what happens.
This exercise works by reinforcing a message through repetition. Repetition strengthens our ability to remember things and can help interrupt negative thought processes. It may sound cheesy, but this idea is the basis of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which works by stopping and replacing negative thoughts. Think of your mind like a sponge that has absorbed many ideas about yourself from outside input as well as your own rehearsal of memories. Practicing new thoughts might feel cheesy, but it works!
Why, Thank You!
Do you ever find yourself buzzing around your life like a Roomba vacuum? You go from one cleanup to the next, quietly fixing, buying, paying, sending, delivering, and giving until you collapse from exhaustion at the end of the day? This could be a way to live forever, but does it feel good, and do you really want to? This is a pattern many women fall into called “overfunctioning.” The idea is that we, as women, often place ourselves in the role of the “fixer,” or as I like to call it, “The quicker picker-upper." We are not Bounty paper towels. We do not need to fix it, wipe it, or pick it up, and we certainly don’t need to do any of it swiftly. For other women, they may find themselves frozen and unable to meet or complete expectations. This turns into a guilt spiral as we internally beat ourselves up for “failing.” However, we rarely stop to assess if we even value the tasks we are trying to accomplish. This activity builds on the principle of mindfulness to draw attention to our efforts.
Try this out to interrupt your pattern. The next time you complete a task, no matter how small, give yourself a big “Why, thank you!” When you take out your garbage, remember to thank yourself. After all, you are giving future you, and anyone else who lives with you, a gift of service. Our lives were not destined for serving others through menial labor. Life can have many purposes, and we ought to thank ourselves for the work we do for ourselves and anyone else in our lives. At the very least, try to compliment yourself. This can sound like saying, “Well, look at me remembering to pay this on time! I am diligent,” or “Thank you to me for scheduling that appointment! I am so organized,” etc. When we recognize the work we do, it becomes easier to communicate our worth. This can have benefits that extend beyond our personal lives and can improve our careers, financial health, and social lives. This is part of doing the work towards healing our inner children who may have never felt recognized or valuable.
Social Media Cleanup
Think of social media as any other environment in which you are spending time. Just like you wear sunscreen and a bathing suit to the pool on a hot summer’s day, you must prepare yourself for the environment you are entering. Social media is special in that you do have some choice in how to curate that space. When you are on social media, it can be helpful to take stock of the accounts you are following. Ask yourself a simple question: “Do I like it here?” If the answer is no, take some time to unfollow accounts that are adding stress and unpleasant feelings to your feed and follow accounts that make you feel lighter. This is a process you should try to do at least once a year. We do not need to follow accounts because we feel a sense of obligation. Social media is an optional space we elect to visit. Consider what needs you want to meet with the space and treat it accordingly.
If you want your feeds to be immersed in heavy political content, consider that when you enter the space. Maybe this is a space you should spend only 1 hour a day or less in. If you are a skincare addict and your feed is full of flawless, poreless skin gurus, consider the impact it has on you. Are you scrolling while you self-loathe? Is it fueling spending you are not proud of? What about dozens of accounts about psychology or parenting? Is this a space you are really using to heal, or are you engaging in it when you feel at your worst, substituting it for actual self-care or change? I am not here to call anyone out, but just a gentle nudge to not let yourself sink into spaces that are not having a positive impact on your life. Try to regularly notice what you are looking at, ask yourself why, and then try to meet the need in your “real” life. If you were your own child, you would set limits on spaces such as social media because you would recognize the potential damage done. As adults, it is now our responsibility to set limits with ourselves and protect ourselves.
Text Time
Keeping up with people can be difficult for some. For others, we may lose ourselves in the service of friendships, family, and loved ones. No matter your relationship with other people, we are all trying our best to maintain love, belonging, and connection in our lives, as these are essential psychological human needs. Next time you pick up your phone to text someone, pause for a moment to recognize your efforts to connect. Women are often taken for granted for providing emotional support, yet each text you send is a testament to a relationship where you are likely needed or at the very least wanted. Ask yourself as you reach for your phone to reply, “Why do I matter to this individual?” and hopefully your mind can remind you that you are loved, admired, and cared for. Again, this tip is aimed at increasing mindfulness and gratitude, which can be helpful antidotes to depression and anxiety. If you find that you feel resentment and unhappiness regarding most of the people communicating with you, this is a sign that you need to work on developing boundaries and/or new connections.
Boundaries
I have saved the best for last. The single most important thing you can do to be compassionate to yourself is set boundaries. Setting boundaries is the process of taking ownership of what we can control. Many people struggle with this as they tend to oscillate between having no boundaries and then putting up walls. Remember, a boundary is about what you can personally do. We cannot set boundaries on the behavior of other people. Boundaries should be easy to follow. If you are struggling to follow a boundary you are trying to set, you may need to modify it. For example, if there is someone in your life that you feel is draining you, I encourage you to first take responsibility for why you are so attached to your role towards them. What are you trying to accomplish by meeting them more than halfway? These patterns are often rooted in our childhoods, and breaking them is important to healing.
Perhaps you have identified a pattern of asking nothing of others and expecting so much from yourself. Ask yourself why you struggle to ask for help and why you feel the need to be the one that always gives. Once you recognize your own needs within an interaction, stop and consider how you could help yourself better meet that need. Imagine yourself as one of your inner children, that is, the parts of you from past selves, and lovingly ask that child, “What do you need from this person?” Sometimes unhealed parts of ourselves latch onto things and struggle to let go. Communicate with the other person about your needs and also try to meet your own needs or find another situation/person/etc. that will meet your needs.
For example, in my work, I see a lot of children of immigrants. Oftentimes, there is a pattern of going along with things that we feel uncomfortable with or struggling to show up authentically for certain family members. We may not want to set a rigid boundary such as avoiding time spent together, but we don’t want to leave every interaction feeling drained and unseen. Think in advance and try to set boundaries with yourself. This could sound like, “I am going to this dinner with the expectation that Titi will make comments about my body. I know she will, I know it will hurt, and I will choose to deflect the conversation and focus on connecting over topics I prefer to discuss. My worth is not defined by her perception of me, and her severity speaks to her own wounds, not mine. I don’t need to internalize her pain. If I begin to feel too upset, I am always allowed to leave.”
In Western psychology, boundaries are often used as a way to create distance between people. My approach as a therapist is rooted in relational cultural theory, which promotes intimacy and relationships. This approach works well for clients who have a community-oriented mindset. I encourage my clients to build their own internal self-worth and be mindful of needs with the intention of being able to maintain relationships without the feeling of resentment. Equally important to this process is building new relationships where our needs are met. We do not need to disown or abandon imperfect people, but we do need to know when to set limits with ourselves and spend more time with those who create the space for us to feel authentic.
Thank you for reading, and hopefully, these tips will help you create a more nurturing, loving, and self-liberating relationship with yourself and others. Remember to incorporate these suggestions into your everyday routines. Consistency will help you heal your inner child within and provide relief from rumination and self-doubt. Florida residents: please don’t hesitate to reach out if you are interested in working through these ideas in counseling with me. As a reminder, all of the above advice is not a substitute for mental healthcare, and if any of the suggestions I have provided do not work for you, feel free to not use them. Everyone’s healing journey looks different!